It doesn’t take a paid analyst to observe that the Giants have exhibited fundamental deficiencies with respect to both getting on base and driving in runs. The solo home run stats over the past month, as well as the LOB stats not only game-to-game but over a long stretch of games are glaring.
However, lost in all this is the why.
Last night I interviewed a source within the Department of Defense, a lifelong Giants fan and season ticket holder, who wasted a metric asston of taxpayer money to abuse his clearance and analyze every iota of critical data available. What he found will shock you.
One of the primary groundskeepers, on payroll for over six seasons, has been working a deep cover that initially began with covert reconnaissance missions for the Los Angeles Dodgers — but their financial situation led to a black market auction for his services that resulted in the entire NL East forming an alliance to fund… you guessed it, baseball sabotage.
Though invisible to the naked eye, the groundskeeper in question has been planting leprosy-ridden limbs at all three bases during every middle of the inning. My exclusive photo captures these very items using technology so advanced, it exploded Al Gore’s internet when I tried to type an explanation.
In order to further their agenda, he has been leaving random pieces of literature about leprosy around the clubhouse. During a recent game, Aubrey Huff could be seen stroking his goatee obsessively, and I can now report that he was indeed concerned that during the brawl, he had contracted leprosy and may well lose his $11m goatee.
When approached for comment, only one Giant was willing to go on the record, confirming the allegations as well as providing insight into the team’s defense against the leprosy bases.
As you can see, their collective response is to don catcher’s gear regardless of their position. Only time will tell how this affects fielding statistics and abilities, but Bochy has provided me with another exclusive projected range of potentially returning SUPERVETERAN Miguel Tejada.
Unfortunately, until the Giants learn that they cannot contract leprosy on the bases, or that by driving runs home they are not inviting leprosy into their actual homes [or clubhouse], they will only accidentally score runs in baseball games.