Top Three Reasons Why Beltran Was Never Returning to SF
You can speculate about money, improving the offense as a prerequisite for his considering a deal to stay in black and orange, so on and so forth. To me, it comes down to a few key reasons that St. Louis was a better fit for Carlos Beltran, and I feel obliged to share them with you, CoBsters.
First of all, we all know that Carlos Beltran is a very, very handsome man. One might even go so far as to say he is pretty. The Cardinals know this too, you see, and had a conversation that went something like this.
Cardinals: Hey Carlos, hope your offseason has started off well. We had an idea we wanted to bounce off of you.
Beltran: Okay, I am listening, but the phone is a little ways away from my ear because I don’t want to mess up my hair gel I worked so hard on this morning.
Cardinals: Oh… Well you see, we know you take great pride in your looks –
Beltran: Yes, I am very handsome.
Cardinals: Right, well, we decided to totally remove the manager’s office in the clubhouse after La Russa left and turn it into a full-service salon and spa. We are willing to put it into your contract that the place be called “Spa-Tran,” you know, a play on Beltran, and have four Asian ladies working 24/7 to service you in any way you need.
Beltran: Yes, I like this.
Carlos Beltran does not like Journey very much. He thinks “Don’t Stop Believin” is not nearly as catchy as something like “Si, se puede” and does not think their wardrobe is nearly as stylish as his. If anything they are showboating and Carlos Beltran is a hard worker who keeps to himself when not asking for tips on the best restaurants in town.
However, he does love BB King. And Nelly. One of his favorite things to do on a Wednesday afternoon is to get together with BB King and come up with bandaid jokes they can hurl at Nelly later when they go out for supper.
They also both love hideous blue suits.
Tim Lincecum is a rumored pagan.